Mormon Lingo

Here are just a few terms to start:

Bear Testimony: In front of the congregation, blubber at the podium for a few minutes to show how righteous you are.

Break the Sabbath: Enjoy anything fun on Sunday.

Coca-Cola: Unofficially banned beverage because of its caffeine content. Pepsi and Mountain Dew are fine.

Court of Love: Conducted usually for immoral offenses. Straight white males sit across from the accused, then lovingly judge and humiliate the person. Think Spanish Inquisition or Salem Witch Trials with less Iron Maidens and nooses.

CTR (Choose the Right): Usually represented by a ring. A motto that reminds children to make righteous choices and avoid anything that resembles fun.

Cultural Hall: A multi-purpose room used for various church activities like receptions, basketball, and youth dances. Also, a place to be uncouth.

Durfing: Sex with your clothes on. AKA, dry humping or dry scrudging. Or more accurately, scraping the hell out of your genitals to pretend you’re not having sex.

Family Home Evening: Additional religious discussion outside of the sabbath. Great way to ruin your Monday evening.

Flip/Flippin: An acceptable way of saying Fuck. Also, extremely nerdy.

Free Agency: The right to do whatever you want as long as you do everything the church tells you to do.

Garments: Holy or “magic” underwear worn at all times to remind you that you’re in a cult. Also meant to deter you from committing adultery because they’re so damn unsexy.

Plural Marriage: Moral promiscuity.

Tithing: 10% of your earned income goes to the church. More important than feeding your children. If you commit adultery but pay your tithing, you might get a pass.

Word of Wisdom: Great advice to remain healthy and repressed.